Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

Be who you already are.

It’s still here.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

If a narcissist can't feel remorse, can they ever feel regret for an evil act after going to rehab?

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

I had run out of hope.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

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It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

If our normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, why do we perceive weather in the 90s as "hot?"

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

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But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

I was tired of fighting.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

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It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

And the sadness?

Why do entitled people demand that I pick up after my doggo when he goes to the bathroom? Do they not know that doggy doo decomposes & feeds the plants?

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

It’s here now, writing to you.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

Why are fewer English people going to their local pubs for a drink? Are they aware that many pubs are shutting down due to lack of customers?

The sadness was still there.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

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You are like me, then.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

I was tired of trying and failing.

Democrat voters, why are you so naive, easy to manipulate, can't see a liar standing right in front of you and why won't you research your party? You will find they have a plan for all W. Nations and it's evil.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.